Is it strange to cry for someone you don't even know? For the last six months I have been following a young woman's story on Facebook. I linked on to her story through a friend who was following...which I guess is the way these things go.
The story caught my attention for several reasons. First, I saw that it was a community of people praying for a young woman who was diagnosed with Melanoma. She was also a mother of three little girls, one less than a year old. Some of the posts were written by her, some her husband, and many were written by her siblings. I could tell from what I read that she and all her family, were very devout Catholics...and that sort of intrigued me. I grew up Catholic and while I still have a strong faith...mine is different. This young woman and her family completely trusted in the Lord, with a deep , strong faith that was inspiring to read about. I have known other people that have the same strength and faith and courage and it always makes me pause and wonder a bit.
As the days and weeks went by...hopes rose and fell. Having lived through the loss of one sister to colon cancer 8 years ago; I was all too familiar with that aspect of the journey. Treatments work and then they don't...or they cause other issues and the patients and the people who love them try to hold on to hope. Any positive turn of events ignites that spark of hope that this is going to be the thing that will work...even when the underlying numbers still concern you.
Another small detail I noticed...was that many of the posts were written at the end of the day...11 or 12 at night. That is another thing I could relate to...those long hours at the hospital. Driving home on the (mostly) quiet streets, with a heavy heart, tired but not sure you if you will be able to sleep. For me I'd turn on a particular song, turn it up and just let the tears come while I drove along. No one could see me, I didn't have to explain myself to anyone and it would help relax me and settle me down so that I could try to get some rest before the next day. I found myself checking for an update before I went to bed....and feeling connected somehow to the writer. Imagining that I could relate to them...I could understand that by sitting for a few minutes and then  writing about the events of the day they were able to reflect and sort of decompress in a manner of speaking. By keeping all the blog followers up to date...it might also give them a chance to give up some of that burden of grief and sadness that I ( and most others, I suspect) knew all too well.
 I always feel like I wish  time would just stop for a while so a person could just grieve, be sad, whatever and not have to answer to anyone or anything for a little while. Reality is...it doesn't work that way; and maybe it's good to have things to do, places to go. It makes you get up, move forward and get on with living....which is not a bad thing.
With my sister ...she stayed so positive throughout her 5 year struggle. I think at times it was almost a matter of thinking  something like....I will not give in to this pain, this set-back, whatever....and I am going to keep going...I will not let this get me. As long as she thought that...she seemed invincible. Family and friends supported and prayed for her. Jenifer was on prayer lists at every church in town. As one friend put it when her daughter was sick "I don't care what church you belong to...I want God to hear her name and hear it often." He heard my sisters name...no doubt about it...and he heard the young woman, Molly's name. And when he heard my prayer it was something like this. "Please give us the courage and faith to accept whatever the outcome may be." Yes, I prayed for a miracle and/or a cure...but really... mostly it was for the courage to face what the future held...because there are/were no guarantees.
When this young woman took a turn for the worse recently, I continued to pray for her and be inspired by her attitude and that of her family. They weren't angry at God. They prayed for a miracle, they prayed for relief for her from her pain and for peace. And they trusted that God was in control. Their faith is/was unwavering. Tonight they posted that there is nothing more that can be done as far as a cure. They are preparing for the days to come and praying for comfort and peace for her...their sister, their daughter, friend, wife.....and going forward, Prayerfully, Hopefully,Trustingly. Joyfully.   As they put it "We are Easter people who put all our trust not in this fleeting world, but in the resurrected Christ and his everlasting world in Heaven above."
When I read that I couldn't help but think what a beautiful testament of faith it was. In their darkest hours they look forward with hope.
When my sister was nearing the end of her battle...my prayer was for her comfort and peace. She was in so much pain...I just wanted her to be free from it. The last thing I wanted to do was say a final goodbye...but in the end I longed for that...so Jenifer could have peace. I wanted her to stop fighting to live.... for us...and let go.
I tell people...going through the experience with her during the last weeks of her life was both one of the hardest things I have ever done...but also, one of the best. The out pouring of love and support was incredible. The closeness we felt as a family (at least for me) was wonderful. Even the funeral home director, when they came to the house for her, felt it... he commented on the special feeling of peace...and joy, even in the sadness.... you could just feel it.
It was the combination of everything....Her family, the many, many friends who came by during those last days,  the flowers...my goodness...all the flowers, they were everywhere. The food.....so many people bringing food that tasted good but was still hard to eat. The laughs we shared and the tears because we knew that there wasn't anything any of us could do anymore. I remember a card a friend of our family sent years ago...it was something about saying that final goodbye. I still think of that all the time and have often said the same type of thing to others facing loss of a loved one. It is hard to say that final good-bye; knowing that this time it really is good bye...this time they aren't coming back.
And so I sat reading this young woman's story and just cried. I still tear up when I think about her, her family and friends...and everyone else I know who has been through the loss of a loved one.It's something we all go through and some handle it better than others...but it is still just SAD.
**I starting writing this after I read the post on December 1oth. Molly died two days later, the day after her 5th anniversary. Her sister describes the last full day of her life that ended in a beautiful sunset...something she would have loved. She hung on until early the next morning. It was as I expected...but still made me cry. I started writing this post...then stopped. I felt like I wanted to save it and revisit it after a time and see if I really wanted to post it. I wanted to make sure I didn't over dramatize the whole thing. I've looked at it and reread it a few times since that night. Honestly with the holidays and birthday celebrations we had in the weeks after I started...I kind of put it " on the back burner". My whole family (most of them anyway) were all in town for the holidays and John's birthday celebration on January 2nd. I wanted to enjoy that time with them...and while I didn't forget about this...I just set it aside for the time being. But now...it's been kind of nagging me, that I needed to either finish it and post it...or give up on it. It's hard to speak from your heart sometimes....but I think I'm okay with what I've written and what I am trying to say here. It's not my usual musings and or pictures of family, friends and fun....but there will be more of that...soon (next up...probably a party recap)....so bear with me.  :)